Church

What a great time we had at VBS family night last night. We are so blessed to have our church in our lives. I found a group of amazing women when I joined the New Mercies Sunday School class. They are not like any women I have ever known before. The greatest thing is that they are amazing because they are sinners letting God work. They aren't amazing because of anything they do. In fact, they would tell you how broken they are. But, God uses the weak to show His strength. Tyler has fantastic youth leaders who are helping us guide him. Ally has a great children's program (hence the VBS family night - where, yes, we saw a volcano erupt). Shawn has made friends with several families through his Sunday School class. One of our pastors and his wife (who helps lead New Mercies) have become such mentors to us. They are extremely wise and yet will again be the first to say how broken they are (I see a pattern here). I realize how truly different believers are from non-believers. I see it from the way they react to the April snow storm we had a few months ago to the way they treat a family in crises. I have spent much time in prayer thanking God for brining rocks into my life when I feel I am standing on sand.

Where does your hope come from?

We had a little hope of a job opening pop up last week. It made me realize that I have been moping around and have had very little (basically no) faith. I thought that this job might be the answer, and I realized how much better I felt once I had that hope. I am very disappointed that a job prospect gave me hope. Where does my hope come from? It should come from God. I have already wrestled with the question, where does my security come from? That should come from God as well. However, I have realized that it came from Shawn's job. I am trying very hard to keep faith. When this is over, I really want to look back and NOT think how little faith I had. I want to look back and think I KNEW God was taking care of me.

God's Timetable

It has been awhile since my last post. I am feeling very depressed and don’t really want to spread that around. So, why post if it is just, “Poor, poor me.” Who wants to hear that? Well, maybe no one else. But that is exactly when God wants to hear from us. I think I am the exact opposite of everyone else. When things are going well in my life, I love spending time with God. However, when things don’t go according to plan, I pull away from God and try to take control back over my life. “God, you messed this up. Let me fix this now.” When thing are back to being good, I give it back to him. How messed up is that? So, I am working on that now. Although it is a very hard struggle for me.

I was very receptive of everything I was learning the first week of no income. I welcomed those life lessons. I noticed them right away and had a little smile on my face as I learned that letting your kids go back for four samples of the same thing at Sam’s is actually kind of fun. (Knowing that there would be no extra purchases of candy or gum at the check out, let me give in a little bit on the “free” stuff.) I thought, “Oh, got it God. The best things in life are free.”
Now though, I am done with those life lessons. There is no little smile as I “get” another one. Now, I am stuck with the reality of this situation. Now, I am stuck on God’s timetable. And, I will admit, I am angry. I want to know how this is going to turn out and I want to know NOW. I am definitely being molded and let me tell you….it hurts!!!

Lay Off

Another one I wrote last week. At least I am slowly catching up!!!

Shawn told me Sunday that he thought he would be laid off this week. He has had a suspicion for about a month. He has pretty much known for two weeks. He tells me the night before. He called Monday morning and said he thought it would actually be that day. He called by 1:00 and said it was a done deal. In the time from Sunday night when he clued me in to the time it became a reality, I was OK. I thought God must have a pretty big plan for us and I definitely knew He would take care of us. I was actually a little excited thinking about what God must be working on. When Shawn left the airlines, I was devastated for more reasons than one. I was sure he would hate it; I knew he would end up resenting me and the kids. Even though we never asked for him to be home more (and I actually begged him to stay where he was), he was leaving for us, and I did not want to blamed for something I did not want in the first place. I would like to say I trusted my husband and his plans for us, because that is what I should have done. But, I did not, I fought him every step of the way. When this lay-off was a possibility, I thought that if God made that work out, this would be OK as well. I like how God slowly prepares us for what He really has in store for us. He gives us little obstacles so that when it comes time to jump over the mountain, we just jump, knowing he is going to carry us all the way over. That is how I felt. Now though, the lay is a reality. So, I am struggling to keep that perspective. It is definitely harder when you are living it through it though. But, I still believe it. I just have to remind myself of it a whole lot more, and it is now not really exciting. But, it is an adventure. And, I am ready to learn what God is ready to teach. I am excited about what that might be. I am glad that I am not at a place where we try everything on our own first and then finally decide to let God fix it. I am at His feet right now; the very first second, ready to just eat it up like a little kid entering school for the first time. Teach me to be more patient, teach me to not be so worldly, teach me to trust You for everything, teach me to be more sympathetic to others in need, teach me I can’t fix everything by trying harder, teach me to get my value from Christ, not from a job or position. I am hoping in the meantime, He can teach me how to stretch a dollar as well.

Graduation

I wrote this a couple of weeks ago, but just never posted it. Better late than never!

I went to my sister’s college graduation last night. Wahoo!! I have been waiting for this for months. I can only imagine how she feels (or her husband or her kids). She has been working full-time and still going to nursing school. Now that she is “just” going to be working, it is going to feel like a vacation. I finally have my sister back. We went from lunches about every other week to I saw her on New Years Eve and not again until our mom’s birthday party at the beginning of March. That is crazy!!! Plus I have missed the little munchkins. Now, it is summertime, so I get them all (Carey and the kids) back. We will be partying this weekend. Carey and Haylie’s graduation party is Saturday and Tyler and Zander’s birthday party is Sunday. Whew!

Forgiveness

Awhile back I had to encounter the toughest decision I have ever made in my life. It was a decision to forgive someone that had terribly wronged me. The hardest part was learning how to have self-respect afterward. I received a lot of good advice. Advice stating that forgiveness was about my benefit not the other person. Advice stating I am a sinner therefore; I always need forgiveness as well. Advice stating without forgiveness, I would be hardening my heart and could run the risk of becoming a bitter person. Advice stating forgiveness was not about saying what the other person did was OK or acceptable; it was more about letting go. All of that is true and was great advice from spiritually wise people. But, it didn’t get me to the point of forgiveness. I was still left questioning that if I gave forgiveness, how could I have self-respect. I was so sure that the very few people that knew of my situation would see me as weak. I felt weak.

At least I had great people throughout my life that taught me the Bible could answer EVERY question I had. So, I went to the Bible for answers to my self-respect questions. I couldn’t find self-respect in my index. I tried self-worth and still got no hits. I decided I must have been limiting my search, so I just went with self. That go me somewhere. Not exactly what I was looking for. I found:
Don’t worry about yourself first.
Don’t worry about what others think of you.
Don’t look out only for yourself.

Worrying about self leads to:
Pride
Childish Behavior
Quarrels
Insensitivity
Undisciplined Actions
Idol Worshipping
Loss of Hope

I learned that I am not supposed to worry about myself….ever. I am supposed to “worry” about God first, then others, then myself. Let me tell you, when I am practicing that, I can’t even get to myself, because there isn’t enough time. But, you know what, those are the times I am most fulfilled. Those are the times God is taking care of me. He does a better job than me, my parents, or my husband. He will always be enough.

I learned that forgiveness is an act of obedience. Like any obedience, it is against our nature (or at least mine). It only comes for me by prayer. When asked how I forgave the things I forgave, it is so easy to say I have no idea. It is only by the grace of God. I love that. I love that God guided me in scripture reading. I love that I couldn’t do it on my own. I love that it took a long time, so that there is absolutely no doubt God was working.

Such a Time as This

My bible study called for a character study of Esther. That was an easy one, because I love studying Esther. That is by far, my most favorite story in the Bible. What a courageous, patient, faithful, and believing woman, the very traits I find myself lacking. That is probably why it is one of my most favorites. To me, she is a true heroin.

I pray for that kind of faith. I believe in God, I just need to believe God. Believe that He is always in control. Believe that He always knows what is best for me. Those are hard things when I always think I am in control of my own destiny, which is what a lot of people today would have us believe. I don’t believe that. I believe God is in control. My job is to obey.

My favorite quote is:
“He sent back this answer. “Do not think that because you are in the king’s house you alone of all the Jews will escape. For if you remain silent at this time, relief and deliverance for the Jews will arise from another place, but you and your father’s family will perish. And who knows but that you have come to royal position for such a time as this?” Esther 4:13-14
God will get His will done with or without my “help.” What a great honor that he lets us take part in that plan. He has not placed me in my present position for my own benefit. He put me here to SERVE HIM. Is this my “such a time as this?”